We all remember Cinderella from our childhood, right? I don't mean the new live action movie coming out this month, I mean the old school cartoon version all of us 40 somethings saw as children. And some of us are showing our children. I saw it a few years back as an adult, and I have to say: Don't. Seriously. If you haven't seen Cinderella as an adult, just don't. All your childhood dreams will be shattered. In fact, I'll just go ahead and start cracking them now.
First, let's discuss the living situation. You have four adult women sharing a house. The daughters are presumably old enough to be married off to a prince, but not quite old enough to get their own place. So these grown daughters just stay there with Mom/ Stepmom and mooch. But here's the real question: How the hell did Cinderella even come to be living there? Where is her dad? For that matter, where is the other dad? Maybe the stepmother is not really so wicked. Maybe she's just pissed off because all the men in her life run off and leave her with their problems! Add to that three grown ass women who refuse to go away, I might be a little wicked myself!
Next, let's face it. If you have the ability to make the Entire. Fucking. Forest! work for you, and you're not letting me in on that shit, I am going to hate you. I might even assign you extra household chores, since you're not the one doing them anyway. I would make your bitch ass earn that free room and board, and make your woodland creature friends earn theirs, too! Seriously, if you have that kind of power, the least you can do is be generous with it! Hook a sister up, already! Or even an ugly stepsister!
And oh, the Prince. Let's talk about the bachelor prince who just hasn't been able to find the right girl, even though they are being literally thrown at him. Poor guy is obviously gay, but his father the king just won't accept that. No wonder he can't find a princess! He's a queen! Show me one straight guy who would scour the countryside looking for the owner of the fabulous shoe. You can't.
Speaking of shoes, glass? Really? Of all the materials in all the world, Fairy Godmother gives you shoes made of glass? How do you even walk in those? Or dance? I mean, normally I'd say if you are at a party and lose a shoe, you are drunk. (Don't judge. We've all been there.) But I'm going to give Cindy the benefit of the doubt here and say there was probably no alcohol involved. Just stupid shoes. And even though the horses, the carraige, the dress, the hair, everything else the Fairy (not the prince, the Godmother) whipped up disappeared at the stroke of midnight, that one lost shoe remained. Why? If you're going to be that diligent about a curfew, why not go all the way? Turn those things back into something comfortable so miss "running late" can walk her drunk ass home!
Women have historically been judged on some pretty ridiculous criteria. Hair color, dress size, bra size, bank account size, IQ, pore clearness, you name it. But never in my life have I actually heard a man say "She was hot, smart and rich. Almost perfect. But did you see those feet? They were huge! I want nothing to do with her!" Granted, I don't normally talk to princes, but can we be more obscure? Although he was probably horribly disappointed when it did actually fit someone, so I'll let him go on that one. For now.
So the shoe fits, she gets to be a beard and live happily ever after, and Stepmom is one down, two to go. And I am left wondering how I ever actually liked this movie! I really hope the new one does a better job.
