Fuck you, Hallmark! My apparel will be as gay as I want it to be, whether you like it or not! And I will don it whenever the hell I feel like it! And Target: I admit the whole piss sandal thing was just bad translation (ask GM about trying to sell Novas in Spanish speaking countries back in the day) but you squandered away a great opportunity with the whole manatee thing!
To explain, in case you missed it, Hallmark made an ornament featuring the traditional "ugly Christmas sweater." But it says "Don we now our FUN apparel," instead of our normal "gay." Target came out with a line of sandals called Orina, which apparently means "urine" in another language. They pulled them. Target also had an outfit a few months back, it was gray. If you ordered it in skinny girl sizes, it was Heather. However, in plus size the color was Manatee. But instead of reminding us of what amazing creatures the manatees are, even if they are endangered, Target chose to instead apologize for offending anyone by comparing us to them. Why not just say hey, you know those manatee things the old time sailors thought were mermaids? We thought you'd like a shirt the same color as one! Sorry, skinny bitches. You chicks get to wear a shirt named for a plant and strippers. Eat a sandwich and try again next year.
No, instead they apologized for the color naming error, refused to be gay, and generally pissed me off by insisting on being politically correct. What's wrong with being compared to a sea creature? What's wrong with dressing in gay clothing? Our society has become so obsessed with complaining about nothing, we are forcing the companies to resort to insanity!
Let me take a paragraph here to complain about the whole gay thing. Not the fact that people are, mind you, I don't really care who you desire as long as you read me. No, I'm confused about how and why the homosexual community became labeled with the term "gay," which has historically meant happy. Isn't this a lot of pressure to put on people? Imagine someone implying you have to be happy! All! The! Time! I am a generally happy person by nature (when I'm not on here bitching about shit) but even I can't be happy all the time! Sometimes I'm sad, or hurt, or angry, or sleepy, or one of the other dwarfs. Why do we insist all our homosexuals be gay? Are they not allowed to be depressed? To have a bad day? What the hell? I say we take back gay! As of this moment, gay means happy again! Homosexuals will just have to be called something else! I suggest "people." I suggest it gaily.
But back to my original point. We are a society so intent on everybody being perfect that nobody is allowed to be honest! Why can't I wear a manatee colored dress? Why can't my apparel be gay? Why can't we all respect others' holidays and wish them a good one? When did we get so damn uptight anyway?
Don't get me wrong; hurtful or mean words are never OK. I mean the racial slurs, the bad names, all that crap. That's not politically incorrect, it's just mean. No, I'm talking about companies who are so afraid of offending somebody or suffering through a boycott that they do ridiculous things like avoid simple words! Target, I love you. I really do. But own it! Be proud of those manatee clothes! I kind of need a pair of piss shoes too, now that you mention it! And while I'm there, I will buy the shit out of any gay apparel you have. Why? Because I'm so happy I could pee! All over my new shoes.
Now let's all get out there and spread the gay! Unless you happen to be homosexual, in which case you have my permission to be grumpy if you wish.
