You might be a dick if...

     I deal with a lot of dicks. Every day. Most of them, I hope, know they are dicks. If you say to them "You are a dick!" they say something like "So?" and admit it. But I believe a lot of people are walking around being dicks and honestly have no idea! Let me make a few points first, the main one being I am not implying one must possess a dick to be one. Girls can be just a big a dick as boys, sometimes even more so. No, I'm using the word dick as a catch-all term to include jerk, douche, bitch, asshole, and any other names you normally call people who are being dicks. I also want to make it clear that all of us are guilty of being dicks sometimes. Yes, even me. But some people are just so good at it that they can be considered full time dicks. So in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy, I'm going to point out a few ways to tell if you're a dick.

     First if all, dicks are without fail a self-centered group of people. They always put themselves before anybody else. So if you suffer from FEEIGM syndrome on a regular basis (see my post with that title for a full description, but all you need to know is it stands for Fuck Everybody Else, I Got Mine) then you are a dick. If, upon seeing any event, your first thought is how it's going to affect you, you're a dick. Example: "This traffic back up is going to make me late for work!" knowing there is a possibly fatal accident causing it.

     If you have ever participated in road rage, you are a dick. Flipping off other drivers for following the rules, being mad at people for driving too slow, thinking other people are somehow in your way for being on the same road as you, all signs of being a dick.

     If you stand in doorways, you are a dick. Doorways are there for people to enter and exit a room or building, not to gather or observe. Get in, or get out, but make up your mind!

     If you feel you are entitled to anything, you are a dick. If you think it's somebody else's job to do anything you should be doing yourself, that means you feel entitled. If you were handed everything you wanted and needed all you life, your parents were raising a dick. They probably didn't mean to. Either they were raised the same way and are also dicks, or they thought they were giving you a good life by spoiling you. Regardless, if things magically appeared in your life through no effort of your own, and you expect that to continue for as long as you live, you are an entitled dick.

     If the words "Thank You" don't come out of your mouth at least a dozen times a day, you are probably a dick. I will give credit if you haven't spoken to anyone today or can't talk. I know exactly 2 words in sign language: No, and Thank You. Enough said.

     Before you make a choice, what criteria goes into your decision making process? I think every action should be subject to the following three questions: Is it right? Is it good? Is it nice? Every time I have ever been a dick, I was either doing something that was wrong, bad, or mean. Every single time. It always came back to bite me in the ass, too. So karma works. If I always try to do things that are the right thing to do, a good thing to do, and a nice thing to do, I never have to worry about being a dick! Pretty cool, huh?

     This next one is going to confuse some people. People who really don't know they are dicks. This one is the kicker. If you think everybody else in the world is a dick who is out to get you, you're wrong. It's you. If your parents didn't raise you the way you think they should have, if every boyfriend or girlfriend you've ever had screwed you over, if your co-workers and bosses don't appreciate you the way they should, if complete strangers go out of their way to be mean to you, re-examine yourself. It's not me, it's you. We all know that dick. The one who has a target painted on them. The one who can't drive to work or walk across town or make a phone call or a purchase without somebody being mean to them. It's true: People do treat them like shit! But they do it for one reason and one reason only: They are a dick. Simply put, if you think the world is stacked against you, it's just because you're a dick.

     If you feel the need to post negative comments to people's blog pages, but don't have the balls you use your name and just list yourself as "Anonymous," you are a dick. Also a coward, but certainly a dick.

     I will tell you all right now, I did not have any one person in mind while writing this post. I had numerous examples in mind, some of whom I see on a regular basis, some I just made up for the purpose of this rant. But if you have been reading the whole post thinking I am talking about you, then yeah. You're a dick.