You're a smart one, Mr. Grinch. By avoiding all the crap! The only thing that would make more sense is if the Grinch were actually a woman. More specific, a Mother. We really get the raw deal when it comes to holidays.
Regular readers know my favorite holiday is Halloween. Why? Nobody hands me a list of shit they want me to buy for them, there are no gifts more complicated than a candy bar, and the most important, nobody expects me to create some elaborate meal. Now I can hear the good little Susie Homemakers out there now, fretting about their witch hat cookies and finger wrap hot dogs and the like. And sure, they are fun if you have too much time on your hands, but also totally voluntary. That's the key: you can make them if you want, but nobody expects them out of you. The other holidays are a whole different story.
It starts with Thanksgiving. Creating the feast is a truly thankless task, as all who do it every year know. Last year I was broken, literally. Both wrists casted. So we had a small simple meal for 4, with me supervising the culinary challenged Cleveland on what to do. This year, though I'm all back to normal, so the holiday has to be, too. That means closer to 11 people, and everything up to me. Normally, I get up fairly early Thanksgiving morning, get the turkey into the oven, then sit down and watch the parade alone until my family wakes up. This year I tried a marinade, so I did the bulk of the prep the night before. This changed the routine, so everything was different.
First, I had company while preparing the turkey. This was new, but all right since it was just James and Leroy, the most helpful of the bunch. They were almost as horrified as me when I had to reach into the turkey's ass and pull out its innards. Really, this practice should be abolished immediately. It's not bad enough we kill it, we then have to shove its own (presumably) body parts up its ass? If we treated dead people like this.... Well, anyway, I get it all empty, then prepare its marinade. A recipe from the wife of the co-worker to my right, called Drunken Turkey. Apple juice, brown sugar, and whiskey. It started as a simple conversation with Leroy, but it got me thinking later.
"Is it normal for us to put whiskey on the turkey?" (Notice he says "us," like he's helping or something. Cute.)
"No, I'm trying something new this year."
"Oh." Long silence. Then, "If it turns out bad, it's all your fault."
But if it turns out well, which it did, is that my doing too? Apparently not. After last year, Cleveland did remember to thank me for the meal. Of course the guests who don't live here always remember to say thank you. But the cretins I'm related to? Still waiting.
And this is just the beginning of the holiday season we all are supposed to look forward to every year. Now it's time to prepare for Christmas! The decorating, the wrapping, of course the buying, and certainly another few meals will be expected. And who gets to do all of this? Mom, of course. And if it turns our bad, who gets blamed? Mom, of course. But when it turns out magical, who do we go thank? Santa, of course!
Lois Griffin said it best: (I know she's a cartoon character, but I can still quote her) "You think all this holiday cheer just falls right out of the sky? Well it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt!" And if you want to be honest about it, when they have to shoot her out of the tree with a tranquilizer dart, a little bit of every mother out there said "I feel you, sister." I know I said it out loud. Then my family stared at me like I grew another head and promptly shushed me.
But she's right. What does Dad do at holiday time? Watch football and fall asleep. Put together a few toys you had to beat people over the head to get to and watch you wrap everything else. Plead ignorance when it comes to being able to hang, bake, or buy anything. Yes, I can still hear you, women married to the perfect men. I know YOUR husband makes the cookies, decorates the tree, buys and wraps all the gifts. Well, shut up, bitch! Here in the real world, we have to do it all ourselves!
Not that I'm bitter or anything. I really am happy to provide my family with a fun Christmas. I just refuse to kill myself or my sanity in the process. Susie knows what I'm talking about. It's already a thankless job, why do we make it so much harder than it needs to be? Your tree does not need to be the prettiest one in town; your kids don't care. Your house doesn't need to be perfectly decorated; your real friends don't care. And fake friends, well, if they judge you, who cares? I know. We do. Every single one of us.
So here's my solution, another What Would Jill Do adventure. This year, instead of asking for a Christmas list from my kids (which they have already given to Cleveland, by the way) I'm going to force them to make a list of what they would like to buy for others. Will it change them? No. But it will make me feel better. If anybody doesn't like my decorations, or if I don't like theirs, the only acceptable reaction is silence. And when I open the hand made gifts that kids work hard to create, I will remember that this is what makes all the crap worthwhile. Happy Holidays!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Forgive Me
Ever since Phil Donahue invented the talk show, we've been hearing a lot about closure. Closure. We broke up, you died, somebody hurt me and my loved ones, I need closure. I cannot ever be a happy person with a normal life until I somehow achieve closure. Well, I'm here to tell you: Closure is a Crock!
There is nothing you are going to do to bring back a dead loved one. There is nothing that will take away the hurt somebody else made you feel. There is nothing I am going to say to an ex to make him less of a douche. Nothing. What can I do? Learn from it and go on.
There's this really popular quote from Oprah (she used to have a television show; perhaps you've heard of her) in which she says "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." I'm sorry, Oprah, but I must respectfully call bullshit on this one. Let's replace it with a quote from Jill (she has a blog; perhaps you've heard of her) in which she says "Forgiveness is permission for you to do it again."
Yeah, I know. It's un-american to disagree with Oprah. Regular readers know I kind of march to my own beat, though. But seriously, think about it. You wrong me. I forgive you. You will do it again. Why? Because I am allowing you to! But imagine this instead. You wrong me. I never speak to you again. You won't wrong me anymore, will you? Easy peasy! Close that!
So maybe I am a fan of closure, just a different kind. Like doors. In your face. Or my world. To your presence in it. OK, I can see where this is a good thing after all! I won't forgive you, though. I'll just close you out.
Now don't misunderstand and think this doesn't work both ways. I can hear the good people among you now, wondering: "But Jill, don't you want people to forgive you?" No. No I don't. If I wrong you, I did something horrible. I will never forgive myself, why should I expect you to forgive me? Plus, if you do, I might think you didn't see the transgression as the horrible act it was, and therefore might think it OK to do it again! See how that works?
Honestly, I might be a little more forgiving if any of us were a little better at apologizing. We live in a nation incapable of a proper apology. It's not our fault, nobody ever taught us! We are so used to seeing what I call the "Political Apology." That's when there's public outcry for you to 'fess up, but you don't know how. This always starts with the phrase "I'm sorry if anyone was offended..." Not sorry I did it, mind you. Just sorry that it bothered people. And not really sorry, just forced to say so. See, what this does is take the blame off the guilty person and put it instead on the people who were prudish enough to be upset because their expectations were not met. It makes it their problem, for being hurt, not the offender's problem for doing the hurting. I hate Political Apologies. They mean nothing, and do not even begin to earn forgiveness.
The smaller, less famous version is what I call the "Man Apology," simply because I have received this apology from every man who has ever wronged me. I'm sure women do it too, but I've had more men wrong me than women. Or at least the men have made an attempt to apologize, where women usually don't. This one is one sentence, usually very well rehearsed, which has the ability to make me homicidal. It goes "I'm sorry you feel that way." If you've ever received the man apology, you know exactly what a crock it actually is. If you've ever accepted a man apology, don't do it again. You got taken. It's not real. They aren't sorry they did it, they're just sorry you found out. Oh, you're mad at me for drinking all night with the guys and then sloppily making out with our waitress? Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. Forgive me, feed me dinner and do my laundry so I can go out next week and do it all again.
Now, I can still hear some of you as you read this thinking I'm possibly a bit bitter. You know what? You are absolutely right! And I will stay bitter forever. Those who have wronged me will never get the chance to do it again. If you think this is the wrong attitude to have, well, I can only say I'm really sorry you feel that way. (See how that doesn't help anything?) And if you still are offended by what I have to say, I can only ask for your forgiveness.
There is nothing you are going to do to bring back a dead loved one. There is nothing that will take away the hurt somebody else made you feel. There is nothing I am going to say to an ex to make him less of a douche. Nothing. What can I do? Learn from it and go on.
There's this really popular quote from Oprah (she used to have a television show; perhaps you've heard of her) in which she says "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." I'm sorry, Oprah, but I must respectfully call bullshit on this one. Let's replace it with a quote from Jill (she has a blog; perhaps you've heard of her) in which she says "Forgiveness is permission for you to do it again."
Yeah, I know. It's un-american to disagree with Oprah. Regular readers know I kind of march to my own beat, though. But seriously, think about it. You wrong me. I forgive you. You will do it again. Why? Because I am allowing you to! But imagine this instead. You wrong me. I never speak to you again. You won't wrong me anymore, will you? Easy peasy! Close that!
So maybe I am a fan of closure, just a different kind. Like doors. In your face. Or my world. To your presence in it. OK, I can see where this is a good thing after all! I won't forgive you, though. I'll just close you out.
Now don't misunderstand and think this doesn't work both ways. I can hear the good people among you now, wondering: "But Jill, don't you want people to forgive you?" No. No I don't. If I wrong you, I did something horrible. I will never forgive myself, why should I expect you to forgive me? Plus, if you do, I might think you didn't see the transgression as the horrible act it was, and therefore might think it OK to do it again! See how that works?
Honestly, I might be a little more forgiving if any of us were a little better at apologizing. We live in a nation incapable of a proper apology. It's not our fault, nobody ever taught us! We are so used to seeing what I call the "Political Apology." That's when there's public outcry for you to 'fess up, but you don't know how. This always starts with the phrase "I'm sorry if anyone was offended..." Not sorry I did it, mind you. Just sorry that it bothered people. And not really sorry, just forced to say so. See, what this does is take the blame off the guilty person and put it instead on the people who were prudish enough to be upset because their expectations were not met. It makes it their problem, for being hurt, not the offender's problem for doing the hurting. I hate Political Apologies. They mean nothing, and do not even begin to earn forgiveness.
The smaller, less famous version is what I call the "Man Apology," simply because I have received this apology from every man who has ever wronged me. I'm sure women do it too, but I've had more men wrong me than women. Or at least the men have made an attempt to apologize, where women usually don't. This one is one sentence, usually very well rehearsed, which has the ability to make me homicidal. It goes "I'm sorry you feel that way." If you've ever received the man apology, you know exactly what a crock it actually is. If you've ever accepted a man apology, don't do it again. You got taken. It's not real. They aren't sorry they did it, they're just sorry you found out. Oh, you're mad at me for drinking all night with the guys and then sloppily making out with our waitress? Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. Forgive me, feed me dinner and do my laundry so I can go out next week and do it all again.
Now, I can still hear some of you as you read this thinking I'm possibly a bit bitter. You know what? You are absolutely right! And I will stay bitter forever. Those who have wronged me will never get the chance to do it again. If you think this is the wrong attitude to have, well, I can only say I'm really sorry you feel that way. (See how that doesn't help anything?) And if you still are offended by what I have to say, I can only ask for your forgiveness.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Rude People
I seriously have the most inane conversations, especially with people who can't hear me. I find myself saying things, out loud, while driving or sitting at my desk at work, or in a room full of family members who don't hear anything I say. Those who read me already know I am surrounded by rude drivers, cell phone users, and just plain people on a daily basis. So a whole rant just about rude people seems appropriate.
I don't claim to be Miss Manners. I don't always know proper etiquette in all situations. Not all of us were raised to know which fork to use or what to do in a lot of social situations. For instance, I just last year learned that if anybody in a person's family dies, you are supposed to take them food. My whole life I thought that only applied if the main cook of the family died, and nobody else. In my defense, nobody has ever brought me food over someone else's death. So I never knew. Not my fault, nobody told me! There has also been some controversy about returning dishes. I was told many years ago never to return an empty dish. If someone is nice enough to bring you their leftovers (back in my single days, some of the older ladies I worked with would do this for me) the least you can do is fill the dish back up with some of yours for them, right? But I've known other people who want nothing to do with anyone else's cooking, they just want the dish back clean! I'm still not sure which is "proper," but I'll take the full dish back anytime.
No, what bothers me is not the little rules that some of us just didn't learn. What bothers me is the big things, the ones everyone should know. You know, the ones we learned back in Kindergarten. Like, if we all stayed in line as well as our children do, life would be so much sweeter. You remember lines, right? They are everywhere: on the roads, at the store, at school (for the kids and the grown ups!) Everywhere! At what age exactly did we forget how they work? I get cut in front of daily! Everywhere! OK, I know you're in a hurry. I get it. But is it my fault? I think not. You don't have to push others out of your way to get where you are going. Really. Kindergartners know: if there is a line, my place is at the end of it! Why is this concept so hard for adults?
And again, the whole FEEIGM Syndrome comes into play. Why park in the space like everybody else if you can just stop somewhere? I don't care if you'll "only be a minute," you are in everybody else's way, and that is rude. And if you stop in the middle of a crowd of people to talk to somebody else you ran into, you are in the way and blocking everybody else, and that is rude. If you see the sign saying your lane ends a mile ahead but wait until the last possible second to squeeze in with the other lane so you can drive faster, you are holding other people up and that is rude.
So I guess my whole definition of rude seems to center around not giving a shit about other people. Being self centered is rude. I've been telling my step kids for 10 years now that it is rude to keep people waiting. Every time I say it, they look at me like I'm speaking another language. To be fair, they do have the rudest parents I know, but still! You would think something would sink in after 11 years of having me in their lives! No. I again apologize to Laura Bush, and now have created the Laura Bush Syndrome. This will be when you really really try to teach someone the right way, but they just don't get it. Ever. For instance, if I could figure out a way to get paid minimum wage for all the time I've spent over the years waiting for Cleveland, I would be a millionaire by now. Sitting in a car waiting, sitting in an office or restaurant waiting, standing by the door waiting. And that's just for him!
I think pattern tardiness is probably my pet rude peeve. What it says to me is that you think your time is more important than my time. It's more important for you to finish doing what you were doing than to do what you were supposed to do with me. Why? Why are you so special? I don't have any heart surgeon friends. It would be OK if they were late. You know, if someone needed an emergency heart surgery, then yeah, that would be more important than me. It would be OK. But really, is looking for your missing shoe more important than me? Waiting for the school bus because you left too late? Or, God forbid, searching the house for your cell phone? (Hint: it may be in the toilet!) No! At least they shouldn't be. I know, it's my fault. I let him get away with it in the beginning, now I'm stuck with it forever. But it still pisses me off.
I once worked with a guy who did something nice for another guy. The other guy walked away silent, and this one said, very sweetly and nicely, "you're welcome." This guy didn't respond, but he told me that about 80% of the people you say "you're welcome" to will actually get the hint and realize they should have said "thank you." I have tried this, but when I say it, it comes out all sarcastic. Even when I didn't mean it to be. So it doesn't really work for me, but it did work wonders for him. You non sarcastic folks: try it and let me know!
And what pisses me off even more is the fact that rude people are allowed to be parents! So they can breed more rude people! Where will it end? If a child grows up seeing parents who adhere to the belief that the rules are for everybody else, not them, what kind of grown up will this child become? My guess is another asshole who thinks the rules apply to everyone but them! But here's the problem: if the rules don't actually apply to anybody, what good are they? What's the point? We can all just drive like asses, cut in line, make others' days more inconvenient, and be happy with our little FEEIGM possessing selves the whole time! I'm sorry, this is a band wagon I just cannot get onto. I'm trying like mad to raise my kids to have compassion for other people. To be helpful to others. To see if someone around them is struggling and help if they are. Why does this make me some kind of rarity?
My kids are great door holders. Really. If they get stuck at the right place at the right time, they can hold a door for hours. But seriously, if there is a door which does not open itself, they will hold it for others. Why? Because it's the polite thing to do. I am constantly amazed, however, at the number of adults who will just walk through the door as if it is my kids' job to hold it open for them! Not a thank you, not a nod and a smile, not even a look up from texting! And it's not the older teen/ young adult set that we kind of expect it from. It's the baby boomers! You know, the "Greatest Generation," who should know how to treat people properly! I am always amazed! I learned when Leroy was little, if you ever want to separate the good people from bad, pay attention to how they treat children. Especially ones who are just learning to wave or say "hi." These are the same people who would completely ignore him when he did either. The "grandparently" looking people would just walk right past. You know who always waved and said "hi" back to him? The teenagers. The Harley dudes. The tattooed freaks. Why? They were polite!
I know I'm nothing in the big scheme of how the world works. But I would like to make a request: parents, please. Teach your children manners. By example. Don't be rude or self centered in front of them. Teach them that we are all people and deserve basic respect because of it. If this means you have to put down the phone for a few minutes and actually talk to them, then I'm sorry. That's just how it is. Maybe if they see that you aren't that important, they won't think they are the center of the universe, either! I beg you! Pass along What Jill Said in your life! Stop being rude, people! Oh yeah, Thanks!
I don't claim to be Miss Manners. I don't always know proper etiquette in all situations. Not all of us were raised to know which fork to use or what to do in a lot of social situations. For instance, I just last year learned that if anybody in a person's family dies, you are supposed to take them food. My whole life I thought that only applied if the main cook of the family died, and nobody else. In my defense, nobody has ever brought me food over someone else's death. So I never knew. Not my fault, nobody told me! There has also been some controversy about returning dishes. I was told many years ago never to return an empty dish. If someone is nice enough to bring you their leftovers (back in my single days, some of the older ladies I worked with would do this for me) the least you can do is fill the dish back up with some of yours for them, right? But I've known other people who want nothing to do with anyone else's cooking, they just want the dish back clean! I'm still not sure which is "proper," but I'll take the full dish back anytime.
No, what bothers me is not the little rules that some of us just didn't learn. What bothers me is the big things, the ones everyone should know. You know, the ones we learned back in Kindergarten. Like, if we all stayed in line as well as our children do, life would be so much sweeter. You remember lines, right? They are everywhere: on the roads, at the store, at school (for the kids and the grown ups!) Everywhere! At what age exactly did we forget how they work? I get cut in front of daily! Everywhere! OK, I know you're in a hurry. I get it. But is it my fault? I think not. You don't have to push others out of your way to get where you are going. Really. Kindergartners know: if there is a line, my place is at the end of it! Why is this concept so hard for adults?
And again, the whole FEEIGM Syndrome comes into play. Why park in the space like everybody else if you can just stop somewhere? I don't care if you'll "only be a minute," you are in everybody else's way, and that is rude. And if you stop in the middle of a crowd of people to talk to somebody else you ran into, you are in the way and blocking everybody else, and that is rude. If you see the sign saying your lane ends a mile ahead but wait until the last possible second to squeeze in with the other lane so you can drive faster, you are holding other people up and that is rude.
So I guess my whole definition of rude seems to center around not giving a shit about other people. Being self centered is rude. I've been telling my step kids for 10 years now that it is rude to keep people waiting. Every time I say it, they look at me like I'm speaking another language. To be fair, they do have the rudest parents I know, but still! You would think something would sink in after 11 years of having me in their lives! No. I again apologize to Laura Bush, and now have created the Laura Bush Syndrome. This will be when you really really try to teach someone the right way, but they just don't get it. Ever. For instance, if I could figure out a way to get paid minimum wage for all the time I've spent over the years waiting for Cleveland, I would be a millionaire by now. Sitting in a car waiting, sitting in an office or restaurant waiting, standing by the door waiting. And that's just for him!
I think pattern tardiness is probably my pet rude peeve. What it says to me is that you think your time is more important than my time. It's more important for you to finish doing what you were doing than to do what you were supposed to do with me. Why? Why are you so special? I don't have any heart surgeon friends. It would be OK if they were late. You know, if someone needed an emergency heart surgery, then yeah, that would be more important than me. It would be OK. But really, is looking for your missing shoe more important than me? Waiting for the school bus because you left too late? Or, God forbid, searching the house for your cell phone? (Hint: it may be in the toilet!) No! At least they shouldn't be. I know, it's my fault. I let him get away with it in the beginning, now I'm stuck with it forever. But it still pisses me off.
I once worked with a guy who did something nice for another guy. The other guy walked away silent, and this one said, very sweetly and nicely, "you're welcome." This guy didn't respond, but he told me that about 80% of the people you say "you're welcome" to will actually get the hint and realize they should have said "thank you." I have tried this, but when I say it, it comes out all sarcastic. Even when I didn't mean it to be. So it doesn't really work for me, but it did work wonders for him. You non sarcastic folks: try it and let me know!
And what pisses me off even more is the fact that rude people are allowed to be parents! So they can breed more rude people! Where will it end? If a child grows up seeing parents who adhere to the belief that the rules are for everybody else, not them, what kind of grown up will this child become? My guess is another asshole who thinks the rules apply to everyone but them! But here's the problem: if the rules don't actually apply to anybody, what good are they? What's the point? We can all just drive like asses, cut in line, make others' days more inconvenient, and be happy with our little FEEIGM possessing selves the whole time! I'm sorry, this is a band wagon I just cannot get onto. I'm trying like mad to raise my kids to have compassion for other people. To be helpful to others. To see if someone around them is struggling and help if they are. Why does this make me some kind of rarity?
My kids are great door holders. Really. If they get stuck at the right place at the right time, they can hold a door for hours. But seriously, if there is a door which does not open itself, they will hold it for others. Why? Because it's the polite thing to do. I am constantly amazed, however, at the number of adults who will just walk through the door as if it is my kids' job to hold it open for them! Not a thank you, not a nod and a smile, not even a look up from texting! And it's not the older teen/ young adult set that we kind of expect it from. It's the baby boomers! You know, the "Greatest Generation," who should know how to treat people properly! I am always amazed! I learned when Leroy was little, if you ever want to separate the good people from bad, pay attention to how they treat children. Especially ones who are just learning to wave or say "hi." These are the same people who would completely ignore him when he did either. The "grandparently" looking people would just walk right past. You know who always waved and said "hi" back to him? The teenagers. The Harley dudes. The tattooed freaks. Why? They were polite!
I know I'm nothing in the big scheme of how the world works. But I would like to make a request: parents, please. Teach your children manners. By example. Don't be rude or self centered in front of them. Teach them that we are all people and deserve basic respect because of it. If this means you have to put down the phone for a few minutes and actually talk to them, then I'm sorry. That's just how it is. Maybe if they see that you aren't that important, they won't think they are the center of the universe, either! I beg you! Pass along What Jill Said in your life! Stop being rude, people! Oh yeah, Thanks!
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