Forgive Me

      Ever since Phil Donahue invented the talk show, we've been hearing a lot about closure. Closure. We broke up, you died, somebody hurt me and my loved ones, I need closure. I cannot ever be a happy person with a normal life until I somehow achieve closure. Well, I'm here to tell you: Closure is a Crock!

     There is nothing you are going to do to bring back a dead loved one. There is nothing that will take away the hurt somebody else made you feel. There is nothing I am going to say to an ex to make him less of a douche. Nothing. What can I do? Learn from it and go on.

     There's this really popular quote from Oprah (she used to have a television show; perhaps you've heard of her) in which she says "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." I'm sorry, Oprah, but I must respectfully call bullshit on this one. Let's replace it with a quote from Jill (she has a blog; perhaps you've heard of her) in which she says "Forgiveness is permission for you to do it again."

     Yeah, I know. It's un-american to disagree with Oprah. Regular readers know I kind of march to my own beat, though. But seriously, think about it. You wrong me. I forgive you. You will do it again. Why? Because I am allowing you to! But imagine this instead. You wrong me. I never speak to you again. You won't wrong me anymore, will you? Easy peasy! Close that!

     So maybe I am a fan of closure, just a different kind. Like doors. In your face. Or my world. To your presence in it. OK, I can see where this is a good thing after all! I won't forgive you, though. I'll just close you out.

     Now don't misunderstand and think this doesn't work both ways. I can hear the good people among you now, wondering: "But Jill, don't you want people to forgive you?" No. No I don't. If I wrong you, I did something horrible. I will never forgive myself, why should I expect you to forgive me? Plus, if you do, I might think you didn't see the transgression as the horrible act it was, and therefore might think it OK to do it again! See how that works?

     Honestly, I might be a little more forgiving if any of us were a little better at apologizing. We live in a nation incapable of a proper apology. It's not our fault, nobody ever taught us! We are so used to seeing what I call the "Political Apology." That's when there's public outcry for you to 'fess up, but you don't know how. This always starts with the phrase "I'm sorry if anyone was offended..." Not sorry I did it, mind you. Just sorry that it bothered people. And not really sorry, just forced to say so. See, what this does is take the blame off the guilty person and put it instead on the people who were prudish enough to be upset because their expectations were not met. It makes it their problem, for being hurt, not the offender's problem for doing the hurting. I hate Political Apologies. They mean nothing, and do not even begin to earn forgiveness.

     The smaller, less famous version is what I call the "Man Apology," simply because I have received this apology from every man who has ever wronged me. I'm sure women do it too, but I've had more men wrong me than women. Or at least the men have made an attempt to apologize, where women usually don't. This one is one sentence, usually very well rehearsed, which has the ability to make me homicidal. It goes "I'm sorry you feel that way." If you've ever received the man apology, you know exactly what a crock it actually is. If you've ever accepted a man apology, don't do it again. You got taken. It's not real. They aren't sorry they did it, they're just sorry you found out. Oh, you're mad at me for drinking all night with the guys and then sloppily making out with our waitress? Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. Forgive me, feed me dinner and do my laundry so I can go out next week and do it all again.

     Now, I can still hear some of you as you read this thinking I'm possibly a bit bitter. You know what? You are absolutely right! And I will stay bitter forever. Those who have wronged me will never get the chance to do it again. If you think this is the wrong attitude to have, well, I can only say I'm really sorry you feel that way. (See how that doesn't help anything?) And if you still are offended by what I have to say, I can only ask for your forgiveness.