Jack O Lanterns

     Halloween is my favorite holiday. The leaves are pretty, the costumes are fun. The partys are great. Nobody expects me to create any kind of elaborate meals. No kids are handing me a list of shit they want me to buy for them. If you do show up at my house begging, all I have to do is hand you a Tootsie Pop and you'll be on your way. Best. Holiday. Ever!

     Except for one thing: the Jack O Lanterns. I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate pumpkin patches. They charge way too much money for the 40lb pumpkin your kid just HAS to have. I hate lugging pumpkins home from the grocery store. I hate that you have to make a special trip to get them, since you can't fit them into the car with all the other groceries. I hate that you can't leave them outside until you're ready to carve them without getting frostbite as you are gutting them. I hate gutting them. I hate the feel of cold (or even warm) pumpkin innards all over my hands. And then, as is always the case, all over the rest of me, too. I hate washing pumpkin guts out of my hair, out of my clothes, off the table, off the chairs, floor, walls, and pets.

     I hate that there are people out there creating these really awesome kick-ass pumpkins just to make me feel that much worse about the sorry one I'm about to hack. I hate the "easy to use" stencils that never quite fit the pumpkin and that, I'm sorry, aren't so easy to use. I hate that the youngest kid has to choose the most elaborate stencil in the book and won't take your word for it when you tell them the simpler the better. I hate that the pumpkin never ever ever ever turns out looking anything like the fricking stencil anyway, after working on it for 6 fricking hours!

     I hate handing children I usually don't trust with a sharp fork the biggest knife we own and trying to decide how much we really use all our fingers, anyway. I hate how doing any activities together as a family which involve anything creative makes me feel. I am not a crafty person. Kids are not always tolerant of other people's artistic shortcomings. Or each others. I hate that there is always one kid who is not happy with his final product. I hate how there is always one kid (sometimes the same one, sometimes a different one) who thinks it is his job to tell everyone else what is wrong with their pumpkin. I hate that they believe him.

     In case you can't tell, I really really hate the whole Jack O Lantern concept. When I was a kid, we didn't do it. My mom made us paint the faces on, no cutting allowed. I really felt like I was missing out on something growing up. Now, not so much.  Maybe this is why I suck so badly at cutting out their little faces now. I don't know. 

     Here's what I do know. My sister got me a "Jill O Lantern" treat bag. Looks like one of those bastard pumpkins, but with a bow in her hair. And it's a bag, so no guts. Or cutting. Or crying. I hung it up at work, with a post-it saying "Will work for candy." (The boss man suggested "Will trick for treats" but that might be misunderstood.) And here's another thing I love about Halloween: the bag  has candy in it! And I didn't put it there! I'm just about happier than a witch in a broom factory over that one.

     So now, the worst is over. I just survived yet another year of Jack O Lantern hell, and they are all on display ready for the big day. My ranting is over, and life can return to normal. Happy Halloween, everybody!