Who am I? #mommitment

     Since this is a different kind of post for me, meaning for someone besides myself, let me catch you up if you haven't read my stuff before. I'm a forty-something woman in middle America. When I first started putting thoughts to keyboard, I was a happily married mother of one, step-mother of four. I work full time in the service department of a car dealership. Between family, work, and the media, I was seeing a lot of stuff that made me laugh or pissed me off, so I decided to share it with the world. And all was great, until my world did a complete turn around.

     I've spent the last year or so going through divorce court. It's a horrible, expensive world where it is literally someone's job to judge you. Seriously, it's even their job title and their whole job description! And since there were a whole lot of legal people judging me, I was acutely aware of the rest of the world judging me as well. My son, my ex, my step-children of course, but also my neighbors, my family and friends, the teachers at school, my co-workers and customers, pretty much every single person I ever come into contact with. But I felt it the most, and it affected me the most, when it was the other moms. If they were on "my side," I felt elated. If they weren't, I was crushed.

     It's not like I'm new to the whole Mom Judgement phenomenon. I mean, I was an adult for quite a few years before I became a mother. I was a pro at telling people everything they were doing wrong! We all know how smart the childless are when it comes to raising children, and I was a genius! Then I became a mother, and realized what a bitch I had been all those years. And the day I got pregnant, I started receiving the judgement of the whole rest of the world. Here's a partial list of judge-worthy actions: I got pregnant without the benefit of marriage, and refused to marry him just because of a child. (We didn't marry until he was over a year old.) I begged the entire pregnancy for a C-section, and am still very angry the medical professionals did not comply. Through the actual birth, I took advantage of every single medical intervention they offered. Drugs, epidural, suction cup, you name it. My theory is, if you don't turn down Novocaine when you are getting a filling, why would you turn down drugs during delivery? I didn't nurse. I gloss over it and say they took him away from me for 8 hours as soon as he was born because of blood sugar issues, and that we never really got the hang of it. But the truth is, I had four children in the house who were not mine and were very nosy. And in public, I don't feel comfortable topless unless someone is throwing ones at me. My son turned out to have some pretty severe food allergies, and my milk would have killed him. But I do vividly remember hearing "If you had nursed, like you're supposed to, he wouldn't have this problem." I was a stay at home mom for the first five years of his life, but then had to return to work full time, as the only working parent. And now I'm a single parent, sharing parenting with my ex.

     After reading all of that, you would assume I would have no right to judge anyone else, and you would assume correctly. But that didn't stop me. I still did it.

     After being separated for a while, once a person's new routine is established, the subject inevitably turns to dating. When they started asking me when I was going to start dating, I actually said the sentence "Parents shouldn't date." Of course, I had great reasons to back up this statement. It's not fair to the children, and it certainly isn't fair to the poor sap you're dating. But I had a blanket judgmental statement at the ready for anyone who asked. "Parents shouldn't date." Who am I to issue such a proclamation?

     What I meant, and what I should have said, is "I shouldn't date." I have a million good reasons for this, none of which affect anyone but me. No, it wouldn't be fair to my child. Yes, I have some major trust issues I need to work out (or not.) Yes, dealing with my situation would be some kind of screwed up undeserved punishment for anyone who was stupid enough to ask me out. Yes, I am choosing to only focus on the one male in my life I feel is important right now. (Well, the dog is male, and he's pretty great.) Yes, I have come to the conclusion that, with very few exceptions, every single person who has ever been in my life was there because of what I could do for them, with little to no thought for what they could do for me. No, I don't want to continue in this pattern.

     So yeah, I shouldn't date. But who the hell am I to extend that rule to all parents everywhere? I don't know your situation. I don't know your heart. I don't know anything. So parents everywhere, I'm sorry, I had no right to judge. If dating, or nursing, or working, or staying home, or natural childbirth are right for you, then you just go right out there and do it! And I will do my very best every day to keep my opinions and issues about me right here with me. The right decision for me is not the right decision for anybody else. After all, who am I?