Let me warn you all up front: my potty mouth is going to be out in full force on this one. That F in the title stands for exactly what you think it stands for. You know. The mother of all cuss words, so to speak. So if profanity offends you, well what the hell are you doing reading my blog? And also, you may want to skip this one.
It all started roughly nine years ago. One Sunday morning on "our weekend," (when the step kids are with us) I got up and made pancakes for everybody. Common enough thing to do, we all like them and they really aren't that difficult to create. "Melanie" was about 14, and you know teenagers aren't by nature morning people. So it was pretty much a given that we would all eat, and save the leftovers for her. No biggee, right?
Right, until "Charlie," who was about 8, decided that if ya were snoozin' you were gonna be losin'. He ate what he wanted of the pancakes, then said he was still hungry. Went to the pancake plate, took every single one. Again, every single one. Cut them all up, put syrup on them. Then ate two (yes, I counted. Two) bites. Then he did something he had never done before and hasn't done since. He took his own plate to the kitchen sink, put it in, and turned on the water to rinse it off. Just to make sure the pancakes would never be edible to anyone, namely "Melanie."
When I looked at him and said my signature "Really?" he feigned innocence.
"What? I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was! I cleaned up my own plate, why are you mad?"
That's when the name hit me and the syndrome was born. Fuck Everybody Else, I Got Mine.
Yes, that's right. Fuck Everybody Else, I Got Mine.
I shortened it to FEEIGM, just so I can say it in public. Now I see it every day in every situation, although my family, being the pioneers and all, are certainly the best. In fact, after nine years of hearing me say it and refer to it in everyday conversation, I doubt that half of them could tell you what it means. They are that good at it.
The shop where I work has big garage doors, with directions painted on them. Honk your horn, we will let you in. Simple, right? Until it is raining outside, or 20 degrees or windy as hell or some other such nonsense. That's when the FEEIGM kicks in full force. Honk the horn, wait for the door to open, pull in just far enough for your car to be inside, stop, park, and get out. Taking your keys with you, of course. Fuck all the people lined up behind me, I'm inside! Or my favorite: stop under the door so we can't close it. Or honk, see the door open, and sit there. In the nice warm car as the acrtic tundra is blowing my computer off my desk. We have found there to be only one way to get these people to actually drive into the building. Wanna know what the way is? Close the door. Or start to. As soon as they see it start to move, it becomes a race to see if they can beat it. Really. It would be quite humorous to watch, if we had those fancy doors that stop if they touch something. We don't, so we have to be ready to stop it just to save the door. Self preservation at play here, I really don't give a shit about your car. I do really love my door, though. See, under the right circumstances, even I can suffer from FEEIGM!
The epitome of FEEIGM though has to be Black Friday. I for one will not shop anywhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas; you are hard pressed to get me in the grocery store. I avoid malls and department stores like the plague. Why? FEEIGM! It starts in the parking lot and goes downhill from there. You think that empty space you've been eyeing for the last 20 minutes is yours? Think again, sucker! Mine! Only one Tickle me Elmo on the shelf with 2 people reaching for it? Watch for the elbow to the face! Mine! Think you are actually next in line to pay after waiting for an hour? Wrong! I will cut right in front of you! Mine! And Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too!
But you see it at other times of year, too. (See my "Road Rage" post for a few examples.) Especially in parking lots. And public places. And my house. The charger to my laptop (where I create this, by the way) was recently replaced with one that no longer charges. Why? Somebody broke that one, and needed his laptop charged. My phone charger, which has lived in the very same plug at the very same counter since the beginning of time, frequently disappears. Why? Somebody else's phone needed charged, and couldn't sit there on the counter while charging. You know, like mine does. My keys walk away at a regular frequency. Why? Somebody needed to get into the garage and couldn't be bothered to return them to their hanging place. All the kids' DS games have to have the correct child's name on them in Sharpie at time of purchase. Why? Another kid might decide he likes that game, too. The dog can howl for hours, waiting to go outside, only to have to find a place inside to go instead. Why? Nobody could stop playing the (borrowed) DS game long enough to take her out! Up to five people can be sitting in the same room, happily watching the same show, and suddenly the channel will change. Why? Because whoever picked up the remote wants to watch something else!
Don't get me wrong, I know it is my job to teach the little cretans how to properly behave. (Including the "adult" one I married, apparently.) But since I already work a full time job, this overfull time job gets to be a bit much for me! And honestly, it is difficult when the whole world is setting the opposite example! How many times have you seen the most thoughtless, rude people out in public and, when somebody does something nice for their kid, they scream "Say thank you!" Here's a thought, parents: model the good behavior instead of screaming it at your kids! Let the person with the basket go ahead of you with your cart. Don't expect people to work holidays. Be pleasant to the people who are "serving" you. I mean the waitresses, the cashiers, the receptionists, all the other "little people" you see every day. Thank them. Be aware of your surroundings. If your actions are negatively affecting someone else, CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS! The world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the person behind you. Or beside you. Or maybe in front of you, as long as they didn't cut the line to get there. Let's all vow to stop raising a generation of assholes by refusing to be assholes ourselves! The change starts with you. Not me, of course. I've got mine already.
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