Conversations I Have

     "Where do I need to go after work for James' performance?"

      "His school. We'll meet you there."

     "Two other boys went through this same school. Did they not join this group, or did they forget to invite us to the performance?"

     "There's singing and dancing involved."

     Feel that expression on your face? That's what my face did, too. Are you reading it again, trying to see what you missed? Yeah, I was going through it in my head, too. This happens so often that I actually do question myself (and my sanity) on a regular basis. Is it me, or did he just totally answer a completely different question than I asked? I really don't think it's me. But it happens with eerie regularity. And not just with Cleveland, with the masses as well!

     "Service Department, this is Jill, how can I help you?"

     "No, I wanted Service."

     (As I said in my greeting) "This is service, how can I help you?"

     "No, I wanted to talk to one of the guys."

     Normally I say "Hold, please" then say out loud (though I would love to page it) "One of the guys, line 3 please. Someone with testicles, line 3." The guys laugh and then answer the phone. But sometimes I am the only one there to answer the phone. There are no guys to talk to. And as much as I would LOVE to just hang up, I kind of get paid to do a job so I kind of have to do it and stuff.

     "I'm one of the service advisors, what can I do for you?"

     Sometimes they will just hang up for me (Yay!) but other times they just say some of the stupidest sentences I have ever heard. Usually it's at least three more times of asking for the department they have already been connected to. Then they say something that makes me really want to help them out, like:

     "You probably can't help me, but..."

     Try that line anywhere else in the world and see how it works for you. Well, pizza order taker, you are probably going to mess this up, but I want... Or , gee ER doc, I'm pretty sure you're not the one I want to see with this nail sticking out the bottom of my foot, but I guess you'll have to do. No, professor, I'm sure you're a complete idiot, but here's my homework anyway. Do you really believe your pizza will arrive spit free? That they will take great pains (see what I did there?) to make sure you get plenty of Morphine? That you're going to ace that class without even trying? Really? But I must continue talking to your rude stupid ass. Because my job is to put up with morons like you. Little hint though. If you really don't think, in all areas of the customer service world, there exists an "asshole fee," you are sorely mistaken. And you are being charged this fee, probably everywhere you go.

     "Where's (employee who sits to my left?)"

     "He's off today."

     "Where's (employee who sits to my right?)"

     "He's at lunch."

     "Isn't anybody here?"

     That's not rude or hurtful at all. Really. Go ahead and tell me I'm nobody. This nobody is about to charge you the asshole fee. Somebody would be here, if you were important enough to show up for. You're not. Now put away your cell phone and bite me.

     I also love conversations where people answer their own questions as they ask them. They don't really need me, except to smile and nod.

     "I'm ready to pay, do I go to the cashier?"

     "Do I park here in visitor parking?"

     "It's lunchtime, should I eat now?"

     "It's cold, should I wear my coat?"

     I generally answer "No" to all answer-questions. That really screws with a person's head. Then they will say: "Really? No?" and argue with me over wheather they were right or not! Why did you ask in the first place, you freak?

     Now I live in a house full of mumblers. Drives me crazy. I haven't understood a word Charlie has said in well over five years. He will enter a room, mumble something unintelligible, then walk away. Cleveland will look at me and ask what he just said. "Hell if I know! I assume if it's important he'll learn to enunciate."

     "Enunci-huh?"

     "Enunciate. It means to spit the shit out of your mouth and speak in a manner that other people can understand."

     "Oh."

     Cleveland, on top of the mumbling, also fades out at the end of sentences. I stopped asking "what" years ago. I hear: "I'm going to nmnfdsfnkl."

     "Rearrange the sentence."

     "Rea-huh?" OK, that didn't work. So I repeat what I heard, so he knows what part I'm missing.

     "You're going where?"

     Annoyed voice; louder but still mumbly: "I SAID I'M GOING TO MNNFDSFNKL! Why don't you listen?"

     "Why don't you enunciate?"

     "Enunci-huh?"
    
     I give up. I don't even care where you're going anymore. I just need to know if there's singing and dancing involved.