Famous People

   Amanda Bynes just got caught again, driving with a suspended license. Randy Travis naps in the street. Lindsey Lohan, well, do we really need to discuss her?

  Where is the law that says when you become famous you have to lose your mind? And why are there so many famous people who do? Look, to be fair, most people can handle fame and fortune just fine. We never hear about most of them doing the things that keep the tabloids in business. But there is an ever growing group of famous people who are just crazy!

     My first concern is the cheating. I mean really, if Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, and Sandra Bullock can all be cheated on, what chance is there for the rest of us? These are HOT, rich, talented women! They make millions, look amazing, have jobs that, let's face it, kick ass. They can sweep you away on a whirlwind vacation, buy you the new car (or boat, or house, or city) you've been dreaming of, introduce you to the most amazing people you could possibly imagine, and pay people to make them look fabulous the whole time. Perfect woman, right? You would think so, but no. Apparently, to a man, even these women are just not quite good enough. If only she were what? A little richer, a little prettier, a little more famous? What? What do you need, guys?

     My main concern, though is famous people who insist on driving. Badly. While drunk. What the hell, people? I tell you now, the day I strike it rich, I hire three people. One to clean up after me (and hell, before me, too), one to cook for me, and one whose whole job will be to drive my ass around. I might sit up front with them, but I won't drive again! I will drink all day, party all night, and that damn driver better be right there to take me down to the Speedway for an Icee! Now!

     And then they have the balls to complain about being famous. That really irks me. "I can't go to the grocery store without seeing myself on the cover of a magazine!" Wow, that must really suck. Your beautifully airbrushed self staring at your at home self. I honestly don't know how they can live that way. Not. Here's what I really honestly don't know: what the hell they're doing at the grocery store! Send your chef to pick up the food for you! Your driver can take him! They can get you an Icee on the way home!

     And to complain about people recognizing you in public! Really? Isn't that the whole definition of being famous? Isn't that what you were striving for in the first place? How dare the people (who put you where you are) insist on an autograph! Or, heaven forbid, a picture! Can't they see you are busy driving yourself around town to look for magazine covers? The nerve! Let me tell you a secret, famous people: recognition is good. It means you are doing your job. Get over yourself, smile, wave, and be grateful you achieved your goal! Someday you will be a has-been, and will treasure the moments you had. Ask the has-beens. They will tell you.

     And now we have a whole group of people who are famous just for being themselves and letting people follow them around with cameras. Wow. Who knew that would be a marketable skill back when we were all in college? Wasted time and money. Just forget to put on your pants when you leave the house, you can be set for life! These people don't seem as snobby when they are caught out in public. In fact, they seek it. Maybe the real famous people can take a lesson or two. I for one know way too much about what's happening in New Jersey for my own personal comfort. And if I see one more toddler in a tiara, I might just puke.

     Regular readers know my opinion of famous people getting involved in politics. Fine if you believe in who you are helping, but don't tell us how to vote! That's one really cool thing about the not famous people: Our vote counts just the same as theirs does! So enough of that.

     I guess the crazy famous people are really just doing their job. I mean, it is pretty entertaining. Once you get past the pity, I mean. But train wrecks draw a crowd just as easily as random acts of knidness do, I guess. Maybe easier. So I guess I owe you an apology, crazy famous people. You are truly entertainment for the masses, and doing a bang up job. Carry on. And if your totally screwed up life makes mine look that much better by comparison, well, I guess that's just the way it will have to be. Until I get famous. Then, we'll talk.